was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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