just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
this is an emotional support booty call
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
