Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
