Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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