I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
