Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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