Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
