I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
