someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
