Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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