I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
