My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
