I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
