we have pet lesbian snakes
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
