You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
