I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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