I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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