I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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