I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
