i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
