dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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