Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
