No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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