blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
