I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
