apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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