is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
