Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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