We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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