Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
