I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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