my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
