Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
