I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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