dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
