and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
