i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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