It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
