that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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