Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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