What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
dude. I can hear the air.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
