His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
