dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
