Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
