I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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