I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
