Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
