1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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