I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
