woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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