Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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