I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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