I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were trust falling into bushes
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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