If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
