I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
