Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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